What a week. I think it's actually driven me bonkers. In a bad way! Not even in a good way!
My iPod is fucked, which means it needs to be sent to Apple, which will take FOREVER. I had consecutive nights in a row the WORST nights sleep I've ever had ever. Which was fine, until Thursday afternoon when I'd been awake for over 12 hours.
And what annoys me most is that Thursday was a great day. I had a hug first thing in the morning - birthday's, love em - then we fucked off to Michel's and Coles for first period cause we didn't have to be at school (note the use of 'we' to refer to me and himself. I like the thought of this) Got back, had a class, gave birthday presents. I did try, in my card, not to go off on the 'hey, kind of love you' stuck to a heartfelt and no less true 'you're a great person, thank you for always being the one to make me laugh when I need it, actual love and such'. And there was actual glee on his face when he say his present.
Anyway, rest of the day was alright up until P&L, when I couldn't walk straight I was so tired. Dawdled up to my locker, saw Spam and Fabian, then dawdled back. Ran into Max, we had a laugh. I actually LOVE that kid. Kid, ha. Anyway, just the way that he thinks, the way he looks at you and you can tell he actually cares what you're saying/what's wrong with you. He messaged me when I changed my facebook status to something like 'I just can't do this anymore' for fucks sakes. So yes, actual love to him in a completely different way.
Anyway, Politics was absolutely horrible. But then we (check that 'we' again) walked towards the traino. Had another hug (see? birthdays! wonderful!) And there was just a moment when his head was on top of mine and I had to MAKE myself let go. It was just...I wasn't worrying about everything else I'd been worrying about. It all just stopped for a moment, and it was just all cliched feelings and then hurting more because I realised I had to let go.
So then it was just a long way down, fast. My iPod started to fuck up, my throat started hurting, I ran out of credit, was waiting for mum to call me, and then she didn't, so I had to use what was left on my bank account which I was saving to buy credit, so I was waiting at the train station for half an hour or so. Just little things that all stacked up.
Get home, and there's a reply from Dr White saying she'd prefer it if I did music. I will hate it. I know that I will. And if I hate it I won't practice, and if I don't practice, I don't get a good mark, it's all so self defeating. And I feel like I've been forced into a corner with it all. It wasn't my fault they changed the grid lines, I had nothing to do with it.
Also, my ovaries were trying to crawl out of my body. Which wasn't helping on the emotional front. As soon as I got home, I shut myself in my room and had a sniffle, but then was like, right, homework. But I was just SO TIRED. I couldn't concentrate. I realise that I have to do school work to get good marks, which I REALLY need if I'm only doing 4 subjects. So that only made it worse.
Tried to muck around on Facebook, dad kicked me off the computer. So I went and had a shower, and instead of doing anything productive, made the water as hot as I could and just stood there bawling my eyes out for fifteen minutes. Got out and didn't feel any better.
Went to go to bed, it was about 8.30 (15 hours being awake, remember) and just couldn't sleep. Kept breaking into tears.
So I took some cold and flu tablets and eventually got to sleep. But a sleep that you've cried yourself into isn't restful at all, and even though I slept all night and through my alarm twice, I'm still exhausted.
Everything just hurts. Inside, outside. Just everywhere. I'm confused, I feel like I'm never making the right choices or doing what I should be doing, like I'm constantly drifting around. Muse was my anchor point, but that's gone now. It was great, but it was almost 2 weeks ago now. So I drift around, and I hurt when I'm not with him, I hurt when I'm with him for a completely different reason.
I want him. But I don't want to risk it, because I don't know what would hurt more.