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Dark-Light-Princess

kristi
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:D

1 min read
It's been so long.

So much has happened. But a lot of it's good.

I think I'm...I don't know what I am. All fluttery and tingly. And nobody's online for me to tell. So I'm DArting. But I've got the most giant smile on my face. I don't want it to ever go. And it doesn't matter what other people think are right and wrong. Since when are things black and white?

Ramble. But still. The point is there. Maybe it makes me selfish, and maybe it's infinitely worse that I justify it, but there's too much coincidence. There's too much coincidence to ignore it.

So I won't. I'll see what happens.

Still smiling :D
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I'm drunk drunk drunk

I'm in lovelove love

and he doesn't love me back back back

and it hurts hurts hurts

and I want want want

things to be good good good

but they won't won't won't

because I'm crap crap crap
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What a week. I think it's actually driven me bonkers. In a bad way! Not even in a good way!

My iPod is fucked, which means it needs to be sent to Apple, which will take FOREVER. I had consecutive nights in a row the WORST nights sleep I've ever had ever. Which was fine, until Thursday afternoon when I'd been awake for over 12 hours.

And what annoys me most is that Thursday was a great day. I had a hug first thing in the morning - birthday's, love em - then we fucked off to Michel's and Coles for first period cause we didn't have to be at school (note the use of 'we' to refer to me and himself. I like the thought of this) Got back, had a class, gave birthday presents. I did try, in my card, not to go off on the 'hey, kind of love you' stuck to a heartfelt and no less true 'you're a great person, thank you for always being the one to make me laugh when I need it, actual love and such'. And there was actual glee on his face when he say his present.

Anyway, rest of the day was alright up until P&L, when I couldn't walk straight I was so tired. Dawdled up to my locker, saw Spam and Fabian, then dawdled back. Ran into Max, we had a laugh. I actually LOVE that kid. Kid, ha. Anyway, just the way that he thinks, the way he looks at you and you can tell he actually cares what you're saying/what's wrong with you. He messaged me when I changed my facebook status to something like 'I just can't do this anymore' for fucks sakes. So yes, actual love to him in a completely different way.

Anyway, Politics was absolutely horrible. But then we (check that 'we' again) walked towards the traino. Had another hug (see? birthdays! wonderful!) And there was just a moment when his head was on top of mine and I had to MAKE myself let go. It was just...I wasn't worrying about everything else I'd been worrying about. It all just stopped for a moment, and it was just all cliched feelings and then hurting more because I realised I had to let go.

So then it was just a long way down, fast. My iPod started to fuck up, my throat started hurting, I ran out of credit, was waiting for mum to call me, and then she didn't, so I had to use what was left on my bank account which I was saving to buy credit, so I was waiting at the train station for half an hour or so. Just little things that all stacked up.

Get home, and there's a reply from Dr White saying she'd prefer it if I did music. I will hate it. I know that I will. And if I hate it I won't practice, and if I don't practice, I don't get a good mark, it's all so self defeating. And I feel like I've been forced into a corner with it all. It wasn't my fault they changed the grid lines, I had nothing to do with it.

Also, my ovaries were trying to crawl out of my body. Which wasn't helping on the emotional front. As soon as I got home, I shut myself in my room and had a sniffle, but then was like, right, homework. But I was just SO TIRED. I couldn't concentrate. I realise that I have to do school work to get good marks, which I REALLY need if I'm only doing 4 subjects. So that only made it worse.

Tried to muck around on Facebook, dad kicked me off the computer. So I went and had a shower, and instead of doing anything productive, made the water as hot as I could and just stood there bawling my eyes out for fifteen minutes. Got out and didn't feel any better.

Went to go to bed, it was about 8.30 (15 hours being awake, remember) and just couldn't sleep. Kept  breaking into tears.

So I took some cold and flu tablets and eventually got to sleep. But a sleep that you've cried yourself into isn't restful at all, and even though I slept all night and through my alarm twice, I'm still exhausted.

Everything just hurts. Inside, outside. Just everywhere. I'm confused, I feel like I'm never making the right choices or doing what I should be doing, like I'm constantly drifting around. Muse was my anchor point, but that's gone now. It was great, but it was almost 2 weeks ago now. So I drift around, and I hurt when I'm not with him, I hurt when I'm with him for a completely different reason.

I want him. But I don't want to risk it, because I don't know what would hurt more.
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My sister was up cleaning her room, banging shit around, until 2am last night. WTF!? Stupid, stupid child. Because as much as I got to watch more Russell, and go through my wardrobe a little bit, I was tired! I wanted sleep!

Ugh.

In ohter news; OHMIGOD 2 WEEKS EXACTLY TILL BDO! TILL MUSE!
I'm so happy. I'm buzzing already. Is this a bad thing? We shall find out.

I also found Ponderland on Ebay. Fuck you channel 7, only showing season 2, and at 10 fucking 30 at night, back in them days where I couldn't stay up that late (3 years ago, but hey, sh). 20 bucks including postage. Methinks teh father will have to buy it and I shall pay him back.

Also, PBU is Thursday, it's Jungle themed. Jungle themed? What the fuck is this, Jungle themed. It would be better if t'were pirate themed. Then I could be a SLUTTY PIRATE!

I'm obsessed with this idea. I want to tease my hair again and have a Pirate wench outfit. And somewhere to wear it, obviously.

As you can see by the general tone of this, I'm decending into madness. Whyfor I don't know, but I do have Frankenstein to read. Only after all the excitement and emotional turmoil of My Booky Wook, I can't settle down and read about that.

Especially because it's all about aesthetics and societal blunders, and that makes me think of Wittgenstein, and I don't want to think of him because he's a pretentious wanker.

Fuck, I have a philo thing to read too. Good thing I've already done some P&L and Maths.

UGH! Fuck school! I'm on holidays! Bollocks! I just want to sit by a pool, sipping various fruity drinks, and then for Russell to miraculously show up and regale me with glorious tales, ask if I'm legal, and then for things to progress!

And then he shall whisk me away and we shall traverse the globe together! It don't matter that he's 35 on June 4, it just don't!

Madness has taken over, sorry dears. I'm off to the magical land of Youtube.

PS - why is there no 'insane' mood? WHAT IS THIS!?
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what does next year have in store for me? Don't Let me Down - James Yorkston
I should fucking hope so. Reach for the stars!

What does your love life look like? Solid - Ashford & Simpson
Hahahahaha

What do I say when life gets hard? Yesterday's Feelings - The Used
This song makes me cry...which is quote accurate.

What song will I dance to at my wedding? Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
I fucking hope not. I hate that this sone was a wedding song. It's sad, and about chasing the person you love. I hope to have found them by my wedding.


What do you want as a career? Fight The Good Fight - Triumph
Que?

Your favorite saying? Come As You Are - Nirvana
Good song. Gooooood song.

What do you think of your parents? Good Time Boys - Red Hot Chilli Peppers
Hmmm....

Where would you go on a first date? The Maidens Prayer - Badarzewska-Baranowska
Tis pretty, if that means anything.

Drug of choice? Clown Prince - Hilltop Hoods
Acid? Alcohol? I don't know what this means!

Describe yourself: Debaser - Pixies
Cool song...but i dunno...

What is the thing I like doing most? Sons Of The Silent Age - David Bowie
Boys? heheehhe (sorry, unnecessary...it's Russell's fault)

The song that best describes the president? Lacrymosa - Evanescence
WTF?

How will I die? California - Phantom Planet
It asked how, not where, silly Maffoo (iPod)

The song that will be played at your funeral? Dirty Love - Frank Zappa
LOLOLOLOLOLOL Russell is influencing my iPod

The song you'll put as the subject? Blood On The Dancefloor - Michael Jackson.


Pretty shite...
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